How To Battle My Fear In Real Estate.

Wade Webb on October 25, 2023

battle fear real estateHow does our brain create fear? What makes us afraid?

Snakes, the dark, rejection, love, spiders, the unknown, public speaking, your first listing presentation as a new Realtor© flying, storms, failure — though the reasons are varied, we are all hardwired to feel fear. Or are we?

What about people who never seem to be afraid? Or the small percentage of the population that literally cannot feel fear? Why are there kids completely unafraid of taking risks and then others who seem afraid of everything? Fear’s purpose is to keep us from harm, but what if it holds us back from what we really want?

THE BIOLOGY OF FEAR

First, some facts: There is no single fear switch for humans; responding to threats involves multiple areas of the brain. We’re not 100% how, but scientists have found the amygdala—almond-shaped bundles of neurons buried deep in the brain, just above the brain stem—central to the process.

“When you sense something potentially dangerous, the amygdala sends excitatory signals to other parts of the brain, effectively saying, ‘Hey everyone, pay attention!” says Bambi DeLaRosa, a researcher on threat processing.

The areas of the brain associated with language and memory also become active in the face of fear. If the amygdala sounds the alarm, the other areas help evaluate the threat level and how you respond. But people with the extremely rare Urbach-Wiethe disease have calcium deposits in their brains, making it impossible for them to process fear.

Studies have found their amygdala completely calcified, so there’s nothing to signal for fear signs like sweating palms or a racing heart to begin. Researchers have identified only 400 people in the world with this condition. What’s particularly striking about Urbach-Wiethe is that fear has long been critical for human survival, so living without fear can be quite dangerous.

Studying subjects with this condition has also given us insights to how we deal with emotions and drives. Since people can survive without fear, perhaps it isn’t as necessary as we’ve assumed. Other paths, like logic, can take us to the correct behaviors that help us survive.

So, what triggers fear in the first place? One possibility is simply not understanding how something works. But we can’t stop fear just through knowledge alone. A 2009 study compared human reaction to sweat taken from people when they were terrified to sweat from regular exercise. Just smelling the fear sweat caused the fear centers of the brain to kick in.

Other animals also share fear reactions via alarm pheromones, but this work is the first to show a similar reaction in humans. These findings suggest that just being around people who are afraid can make you fearful. And while that might not be a big deal when you’re visiting a haunted house or watching a scary movie, it can have huge impacts on your daily life or real estate business.

Our reactions to others’ fear might be part of what holds particularly adults back from taking risks or trying new things, whether skydiving or applying for a new job.

CULTURAL FEARS AND MODERN LIFE

Psychological studies also bear out this idea of collective fear having a wider cultural impact. In the 1970s Roger Hart studied the children in a small Vermont town to see what they did when they weren’t under direct adult supervision, learning about their secret places for play and favorite spots where they roamed.

He returned in 2004 and found a completely different set of norms. These parents, some of whom were subjects in the 1970s research, are much more concerned with the minute-by-minute facts of their children’s lives. Unsupervised play is almost unheard of, and children stay much closer to home.

Yet crime rates are the same as they were 40 years ago. “There’s a fear” among the parents, Hart told The Atlantic, “an exaggeration of the dangers, a loss of trust that isn’t totally clearly explainable.”

But if you’re surrounded by others who aren’t afraid to let their kids roam around, chances are you won’t be either. There is power in who we surround ourselves with as well as how our culture shifts its norms.

As Tony Robbins says, “Who you spend time with is who you become.” This is just one example of how fear often comes from the stories we tell ourselves; we bet you can think of more.

Frequently parents project their own fears onto children or get them to repeat their own fear-driven patterns. Other stories we tell ourselves can lead us to fear everything from rejection to success. What then can we do to prevent fear from holding us or our children back?

WAYS TO LEVERAGE FEAR

You need to use fear, otherwise it uses you.

Remember, bravery isn’t being fearless and unafraid; it’s being fearful and doing something anyway. Ways to use fear include figuring out what your fear tells you about your current situation and what it can teach you.

One way people handle their fear is to push themselves to face extremes, whether climbing mountains or walking over coals. Just take the fire walk at Tony Robbins UPW event I attended a few years ago.

Instead of letting fear win, people lean into their fear and find they can achieve anything they put their minds to.

As a 52-year-old firewalker, you have to mentally prepare for the experience, “otherwise you surrender to the fear and that will conquer other parts of your life.” Fire walking made him feel like “Superman”; “It had nothing to do with my feet but was about following through on a promise.”

No matter your age, you’ll never overcome a fear holding you back by walking away from it. Take courage and focus on what the fear will bring your way and you’ll be truly unstoppable.

Strength and courage,
Wade

FEAR – False – Evidence – Appearing – Real

Wade Webb on February 23, 2022

realtor fearFear of failure, fear of rejection or fear that we’re just not enough – fear is a common current as Realtors© or just people in general, that runs through all of our lives. And if we let it, fear can keep us locked up in the prison of the comfortable and predictable, which prevents us from reaching our true potential. Living in fear causes a double conundrum where you’re unfulfilled with the status quo yet afraid to pursue anything better. But there is also a way that fear can serve a valuable purpose, helping us break through the frustration to achieve the life we truly desire. That’s right – if you allow it to, fear can become a tool for finding fulfillment. Discover how to stop living in fear – or better yet, how to use fear as your ultimate inspiration.

THE TYPES OF FEAR

To stop living in fear, you must understand the underlying psychology so that you can actively work against it. To a point, fear and anxiety have a place in healthy human psychology. Acute fear is a normal emotion that signals a potential threat to your physical or emotional safety. If you’re ever in an accident, feel you’re being followed or experience some other immediate threat, you’ll notice your blood starts pumping faster. Adrenaline shoots through your veins. You have a heightened awareness that allows you to take fast action in order to save yourself or others. Acute fear is a natural response that helped our ancestors survive. There is another type of fear that occurs when the acute fear response becomes hyper-sensitive. It’s called chronic fear or indirect fear, and it occurs when we are continually exposed to low-level yet stressful events. We might watch a lot of news about war, political divisions or the latest disease discoveries, causing us to irrationally anticipate negative events. Unlike acute fear, chronic fear can lower our natural life-saving response and cause us to believe we need to be “saved” by an outside force.

WHY AM I LIVING IN FEAR?

According to research from Harvard, just over 19% of the total population has experienced an anxiety disorder in the previous 12 months. They’re some of the most common psychological issues in the U.S. In the modern world, it’s typically chronic fear that causes our deep-seated anxiety issues, and everything from the media to caffeine has been blamed. But living in a state of blame has never helped anyone solve their problems. It’s time to take ownership of your emotions and transform your life. So, what’s the best way to deal with fear? You must learn to dance with it. In the video below, Tony reveals how to use fear to your advantage — instead of letting it use you.

SIGNS YOU’RE LIVING IN FEAR

Would you believe that many people go through life without realizing they’re living in fear? That’s because fear is often confused with comfort – we become comfortable with our lives, and we think that we are happy and fulfilled. Certainty is one of our Six Human Needs, but when we become too comfortable, it starts to hold us back. Here are a few signs you are living in fear:

Perfectionism. The need to be perfect is a mask we wear to protect ourselves from finding true intimacy and connection. As Tony says, it’s also the lowest standard in the world, because it is impossible to achieve.

Settling. On the other hand, settling for less than you deserve is a powerful indicator you’re letting your need for certainty run your life. If you don’t have an extraordinary, passionate relationship and a job you absolutely love, you’re living in fear.

Procrastination. Always putting your goals off until “tomorrow” or “when I have more time” is a classic delay tactic of those who are living in fear. It’s time to stop making excuses and start achieving your dreams.

Numbing yourself. When you’re living in a beautiful state, you don’t need drugs or alcohol to enjoy your life. You’re open to the world, you’re the master of your emotions and you feel pure joy each and every day.

HOW TO STOP LIVING IN FEAR

With chronic fear, you’re not experiencing anxiety – you’re living in it. The fear response becomes a maladaptive lifestyle, influencing everything you think, feel and do. Fear keeps you stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of defeat and frustration. The upside to fear is that the emotions surrounding it are usually so unpleasant that they drive you to find another way. Don’t let fear control you. There are many strategies for how to stop living in fear, from self-care to exercise to seeking professional help. When you commit to facing your fears, you’re able to discover strategies to overcome them and find peace.

1. DETERMINE THE SOURCE OF YOUR ANXIETY

If you’re living in fear, your anxieties have escalated to the point that they’re running the show. You’re thinking about your worries constantly without much mindfulness as to what’s behind them. To stop living in fear, you must pinpoint what’s causing your distress. Get out a piece of paper and brainstorm a list. When you’re finished, circle the items that are tangible concerns – fears that your house will burn down, your kids will go missing or you’ll lose your job tomorrow. Start giving yourself a sense of control by writing a few actions you can take to prevent these things from happening. Also recognize the intangible concerns – fears of the apocalypse, alien invasion from Mars or worldwide economic collapse. You’ll see that these have very little chance of happening – but you’ll also see that these fears often have deeper roots. If your fears fall into this category, you’ll need to do some self-reflection to discover how to stop living in fear.

2. RECOGNIZE THAT LIFE HAPPENS FOR YOU

“Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you,” as Tony Robbins says. Truly understanding and accepting this concept is the first step to fulfillment. When you put an end to the blame game and start becoming the master of your own destiny, endless possibilities open up to you. And when you see the world as a place of opportunity, not obstacles, you don’t let fear control you. The reason for determining the source of your anxiety isn’t to give you an excuse to keep living in fear. It’s to help you assert power over those fears so that they no longer control you. Once you identify the source, you can change your story – and change your mindset. The first step is recognizing that you have a choice. You can blame outside forces for your emotions and continue to feel out of control. Or you can take charge of your life and learn how to stop living in fear.

3. STOP THE EXCUSES

Like blame, excuses are a defense mechanism we use to avoid facing our problems. It’s easy to push our hopes, desires and dreams aside when we have excuses: There’s just not enough time, I don’t have the money or the resources, I have a family, I’m too busy. And we start to hide behind those excuses instead of taking action to move forward. Excuses are comforting when we’re living in fear. They’re safe. But excuses will also bring you back to exactly where you started. Remember that the next time an excuse floats into your mind. Are you truly where you want to be in life? Or are you falling back on fear and choosing to be comfortable instead of facing a challenge? By becoming more cognizant of your brain’s proclivity for using excuses so you won’t be held accountable, the better you will become at dismissing them.

4. TURN YOUR “SHOULDS” INTO “MUSTS”

In your mind, if you have no choice but to succeed – if achieving your goal is an absolute must – then nothing else matters. Sacrifices won’t even be a question. Excuses go out the window. You’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. Period. Even the most successful people feel like they’re living in fear sometimes. The difference is that rather than allowing fear to creep in and suck the life right out of their dreams, they know that the price they will pay if they don’t give their goals and visions every ounce of energy and focus they have is far scarier. They know the real fear is living a life where they have settled or compromised what they really wanted. How do you adopt that mindset and perspective? Imagine yourself at 80 years old, nearing the end of your life. You are sitting in your rocking chair, reflecting on how you lived your life. Now, look back on your life as if you had not achieved the goal you are after at this moment. How has this affected the course of your life? What are your regrets? What do you wish you had made more time for? What do you wish you had attempted? Is there sadness and regret? Are you wondering, “What if. . .?” In this way, you can use fear to propel you toward your ultimate goal.

5. ADOPT A GROWTH MINDSET

People often give up on what they want because they believe that reaching their goal is beyond their abilities. They continue living in fear and settle into their lives, thinking that their goal is unattainable so they don’t even bother. But the most successful people foster a growth mindset. They don’t think of their abilities as fixed, but rather as flexible. And when faced with a setback, they work harder. They adopt a new strategy. They keep seeking a solution. They don’t give up when things become challenging. Instead, they find new ways to adapt and work harder to achieve their goals.

6. LEARN THAT PAIN BRINGS VALUABLE INSIGHT

There isn’t one successful person in the world who hasn’t had to overcome major obstacles. The most painful experiences can help refine what you want and what you don’t want in life. Failure, disappointment, dead-ends – these can all be used as a means of reflecting and saying, “This didn’t work. It wasn’t the right fit. So what do I really want?” Remember, we are built to adapt. So embrace your inner strength and use each experience as a tool to help you learn more about yourself and what you really must have in life. When you’re facing a painful experience or feel ready to give into fear, picture someone you admire who faced adversity – they wouldn’t have achieved the success they now have without learning how to stop living in fear.

7. PRACTICE SELF-CARE

Mastering your emotions and changing your mindset is psychological – but would you be surprised to learn that the psychological is also physical? Next time you feel like you’re living in fear, change your posture and adopt a “power pose.” It can make you feel more confident and less fearful. Other self-care habits have an effect on your state as well. Physical activity is proven to reduce depression and anxiety, so next time you feel fear coming on, get out and go for a walk, practice yoga or take a bike ride. Mindfulness meditation is also proven to combat anxiety and depression and even lower blood pressure. Eliminating caffeine and alcohol from your diet is another self-care tip that’s essential to lowering anxious feelings. When you combine physical and psychological self-care, you have the recipe for how to stop living in fear.

8. ADOPT AN ABUNDANCE MINDSET

Fear cannot coexist with positive emotions. You cannot feel both scared and joyful, or afraid and peaceful. You can’t feel fear and gratitude at the same time, either – but you can replace one with the other. When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears. You shift your focus from the negative to the positive. Where focus goes, energy flows, so when you change your mindset in this way, you find that you naturally bring more positivity – and less fear – into your life. Adopting an abundance mindset is key to unlocking how to stop living in fear. You can do this by keeping a gratitude journal, practicing priming or meditation, using visualization, coming up with empowering incantations and more. Next time you’re anxious or afraid, you’ll have a powerful toolbox that you can access to overcome those emotions.

9. BE FULLY PRESENT

When we’re living in fear, we’re often also living in either the past or the future. We let our past mistakes haunt us and affect our future decisions. We live in so much fear of what could happen that we forget to enjoy what is happening. As Tony tells us, “The past does not equal the future unless you live there.” In today’s super-connected world, it’s easier than ever to live in the past – reconnecting with toxic people and reminiscing about old relationships. When surfing the Internet, it’s easy to get caught in fantasizing about your next relationship or vacation plans that will never manifest. Stop missing your life. Put your phone down. Step away from the computer. Take up a new sport or game. Meet people in the here and now. Start living instead of worrying.

10. KNOW THAT FAILURE IS INEVITABLE

After all this work, you still need to accept one truth: You will fail. It’s just part of the process. Any successful person will tell you that. Failure provides insights and inherently corrects the faulty ways of approaching a problem. There is no teacher as impactful as the sting of failure and no lesson in resilience better than the burn of rejection. If you use these experiences as unique information, and adjust your strategy and approach the next time around, you will have an advantage that no one else does. With the right mindset you can change your story and say goodbye to living in fear. If you’re ready to learn how to stop living in fear, you have to decide that your dreams are more important than your fear of failure. Make the decision today to master your fears and start existing as the most joyful, successful version of yourself possible.

Strength and courage,
Wade

Seven Secrets To Becoming Fearless

Wade Webb on September 4, 2019

fearless realtorI can remember sitting in the audience waiting for my time to get up on stage to play my piano piece or sing my solo in front of an adjudicator at music festivals growing up as a young boy. My hands were sweating, my legs were shaking and kept thinking about playing in front of a crowd and what if I made a mistake? What if I didn’t place in the top 3 in my category?

It’s a lesson that holds true for all of life. What we want most will always require embracing discomfort and taking action despite our fear that we’ll fail or fall on our face.

In the end, there is no substitute for courage, no shortcut to bravery. To become the person you most need to be and create the life you most yearn to live, you must be willing to do the things that scare you. Again and again and again.

There is no magic formula to forever liberate you from fear. Nor would it serve you if there was. However, there are specific things you can decide to do that will, over time, help you to fear less and reclaim the power fear too often wields. This week we share the 7 steps I learned from music competitions to become fearless.

1. Own it: Bring your fears into the light.

Fear is wired into our psychological DNA to help us avoid situations that could cause us pain, injury, loss or death. The problem is that while fear exists to keep you safe, it can keep you too safe. It’s why you have to own your fears, lest they own you. The Swiss psychologist Carl Jung is noted for saying “whatever you resist will persist”. The things we fail to own and acknowledge about ourselves ultimately find ways of showing and sabotaging our success. By denying our fear or pushing it away, it buries itself deeper, and its shadow grows longer. So, confronting the truth about what scares you most is an essential first step towards reclaiming the power it has held over you.

2. Tame it: Reign in catastrophizing.

Our imagination is a wondrous thing. Without it, the most beautiful works of human kind would never have been brought into existence. Yet, when fueled by fear, our imagination can drive us to underestimate ourselves and overestimate the potential negative consequences of taking action. By turning shadows into monsters, our imagination can fool us into believing danger lurks around every corner and that we’re safer staying exactly where we are. Catastrophizing is the tendency to jump to the worst-case scenario as the most likely (or only) outcome in any situation. It is a terrible habit, but one you can break with this exercise.

When you balk at the prospect of doing something outside your comfort zone, try asking yourself, What’s the worst thing that could happen? and then sitting with any fear that arises. Own the fear. Then tame the fear by asking yourself, So, what would I do if that happened? Repeat this cycle for each worst-case scenario you can envision. In this way, you will come to know that even if the worst did happen, which is often highly unlikely, it would not kill you. Rather, it would introduce you to yourself on a whole new level: You’d learn, you’d grow and you’d emerge from it a wiser, braver and better version of yourself than you were before.

3. Name it: Call out your critic.

Who are you to do that? You don’t know what you’re doing. What will everyone think? You’ll make a fool of yourself. You don’t know what you’re doing. Stick to what you know. No one can escape the inner voice that is our own worst critic, who urges caution at every step and preaches pessimism at every opportunity. Yet everyone can learn to relate to it for what it is: the most primal part of our being, simply trying to keep us safe. It just has a rather primitive way of doing this.

When the voice of fear in your head (or in the pit of your stomach) is at its loudest, it’s because it’s feeling the most threatened. Giving your fear a name helps you to recognize it for what it is. It’s an emotion, but it’s not reality, and it’s not YOU. And it certainly doesn’t deserve to hold the power to keep you from taking center stage in your own life. It doesn’t matter what you call your inner voice of fear—Little Me/Doubting Debbie/Chicken Little/etc.—only that it helps you to realize you are not your fear, and your fear is not you. So, next time your fear starts reminding you of all the risks like an overprotective parent lecturing a child, acknowledge its concern, and then, with all the authority you can muster up, let it know who’s boss!

4. Flip it: Rethink risk.

Playing it safe can be a high-risk approach. We human beings excel at imagining how awful we’ll feel if we take a risk and we fail. Yet, we’re often lousy at imagining how we’ll feel a year from now if we choose to do nothing. We tend to focus only on what could go wrong if we exit our comfort zone. It’s only rarely we stop to consider what we put at risk if we stay put in our comfort zone, much less get really honest with ourselves about it!

You can “flip” your fear of risk by stepping into the shoes of your future self and imagining how you’ll feel in the years to come if you’ve let the fear that’s undermined your actions until now continue to pilot your life. Visualize yourself staring at your reflection in a mirror five, 10, even 25 years from now, after you’ve allowed your fear to call the shots. Ask your future self what your fear has cost you. At the end of life, most people regret the risks they didn’t take far more than those they did. So don’t discount the cost of inaction. Plus, things that aren’t working now generally don’t get better when left unattended; they get worse. Playing it safe can grow increasingly costly as it exacts a mounting toll on our health, wealth, career, relationships and life. “Flip” your fear, and your future self will thank you!

5. Embody it: Tap your inner Braveheart.

The capacity for greatness resides within every one of us. Without exception. It’s just some of us have been living inside a story about our own inadequacy for so long we’ve become strangers to the bravest part of ourselves. It doesn’t need to stay that way. Simply by shifting your physiology, you can loosen fear’s grip and reconnect to your inner Braveheart! How do you do that? Well, try this as a little experiment:

Stand (or sit) tall, as though there were a string pulling up through your head, so you are long and tall and strong. Bring your shoulders back. Wear a quiet smile on your face. Lift your chin and look gently upward. Hold in your stomach muscles. Place your feet shoulder-width apart, firmly rooted to the ground. Take three big, deep breaths and imagine a time you felt like you could take on the world. Strong. Capable. Confident. Purposeful. Unstoppable. Breathe into that feeling. Clench your fists for five seconds and store that feeling in them.

Now, connected to your bravest self, visualize yourself doing the very thing you know you need to do to move toward the life you most want, to do whatever has been tugging at your heart for too long. What is it you must do? Where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing? What are you saying? What are you creating? Picture yourself taking bold, self-assured action. Picture the people around you reacting to you as someone who knows their own worth and what they want, as someone to be admired, to be respected, to be reckoned with. Feel the power of that moment. Take hold of it. Remember it. Own it. Now get ready to use it.

6. Risk it: Take the leap.

I remember the first time I ever got up on stage to deliver a speech at a major conference, I was so nervous I felt nauseous. But then I took a deep breath, focused on the mission that had brought me to that point, and out I walked. Within moments, my fear had vanished, and by the time I finished, I was wondering why I’d ever doubted myself. We all come to moments throughout our lives where we have to let go of the safety of where we are now and venture into the uncertainty of the future. That moment requires courage. Lots of it.

Yet the more often you put yourself “out there”—out on the limb where only the daring venture to go, out in front of the very people who can open new doors, buy your wares, test your talent, build your tribe or broaden your thinking—the sooner you’ll strike it “lucky.” Though of course, it won’t be luck at all. We fail far more from timidity than we ever do from over-daring. There will never be a “perfect” time to make the change, take the chance and step toward the future that is waiting for you. But the next best time will be now. and always will be, the singular most powerful antidote to fear.

By simply daring to take a single step in the direction that inspires you, you send a signal to yourself and to the universe you’re serious about creating a future that is different—bigger and better—from your past. Don’t wait to be discovered. Don’t wait until you’re a master. Don’t wait to be given permission. Don’t wait for the universe to send you a message in a bottle or for Mr. (or Ms.) Right to show up on your doorstep. Above all, don’t wait until you’re 100 percent sure you can’t fail before you take the first exhilarating and terrifying step toward the future waiting for you. Just get started. Right away. As in NOW. The universe will do its bit. But you have to do yours.

7. Build it: Train the brave.

If you haven’t lifted weights for a while (or ever), lifting 5 pounds may push your limits. But if you train every day, over time 5 pounds will start to feel pretty light, and soon you’ll be looking for the 10-pound weights. The same is true of bravery: It’s like a muscle. If you keep showing up, keep practicing, and don’t let discomfort deter you, over time those initial acts of courage become less daunting, and you find yourself doing bigger and braver things… with less effort than you expected.

That’s because courage is a skill, and like all skills, it can be learned and mastered. It just takes a committed effort. As you grow more comfortable with being uncomfortable, fewer things will scare you. It’s by acting as though you are fearless you start to actually fear less. Once you own them, tame them, flip them and take action, any lingering fears will be easily managed, until they shrink and fade away. I have left my comfort zone now thousands of times since leaving that small farm in rural Saskatchewan, and I’ve learned every time you take action in the presence of fear, you dilute its power and amplify your own. Even better, you come to realize how little you ever needed to doubt yourself to begin with! So, feel your fear, but be brave and take action, anyway. What you want most is riding on it.

 

Strength and courage,
Wade