What about people who never seem to be afraid? Or the small percentage of the population that literally cannot feel fear? Why are there kids completely unafraid of taking risks and then others who seem afraid of everything? Fear’s purpose is to keep us from harm, but what if it holds us back from what we really want?
THE BIOLOGY OF FEAR
First, some facts: There is no single fear switch for humans; responding to threats involves multiple areas of the brain. We’re not 100% how, but scientists have found the amygdala—almond-shaped bundles of neurons buried deep in the brain, just above the brain stem—central to the process.
“When you sense something potentially dangerous, the amygdala sends excitatory signals to other parts of the brain, effectively saying, ‘Hey everyone, pay attention!” says Bambi DeLaRosa, a researcher on threat processing.
The areas of the brain associated with language and memory also become active in the face of fear. If the amygdala sounds the alarm, the other areas help evaluate the threat level and how you respond. But people with the extremely rare Urbach-Wiethe disease have calcium deposits in their brains, making it impossible for them to process fear.
Studies have found their amygdala completely calcified, so there’s nothing to signal for fear signs like sweating palms or a racing heart to begin. Researchers have identified only 400 people in the world with this condition. What’s particularly striking about Urbach-Wiethe is that fear has long been critical for human survival, so living without fear can be quite dangerous.
Studying subjects with this condition has also given us insights to how we deal with emotions and drives. Since people can survive without fear, perhaps it isn’t as necessary as we’ve assumed. Other paths, like logic, can take us to the correct behaviors that help us survive.
So, what triggers fear in the first place? One possibility is simply not understanding how something works. But we can’t stop fear just through knowledge alone. A 2009 study compared human reaction to sweat taken from people when they were terrified to sweat from regular exercise. Just smelling the fear sweat caused the fear centers of the brain to kick in.
Other animals also share fear reactions via alarm pheromones, but this work is the first to show a similar reaction in humans. These findings suggest that just being around people who are afraid can make you fearful. And while that might not be a big deal when you’re visiting a haunted house or watching a scary movie, it can have huge impacts on your daily life or real estate business.
Our reactions to others’ fear might be part of what holds particularly adults back from taking risks or trying new things, whether skydiving or applying for a new job.
CULTURAL FEARS AND MODERN LIFE
Psychological studies also bear out this idea of collective fear having a wider cultural impact. In the 1970s Roger Hart studied the children in a small Vermont town to see what they did when they weren’t under direct adult supervision, learning about their secret places for play and favorite spots where they roamed.
He returned in 2004 and found a completely different set of norms. These parents, some of whom were subjects in the 1970s research, are much more concerned with the minute-by-minute facts of their children’s lives. Unsupervised play is almost unheard of, and children stay much closer to home.
Yet crime rates are the same as they were 40 years ago. “There’s a fear” among the parents, Hart told The Atlantic, “an exaggeration of the dangers, a loss of trust that isn’t totally clearly explainable.”
But if you’re surrounded by others who aren’t afraid to let their kids roam around, chances are you won’t be either. There is power in who we surround ourselves with as well as how our culture shifts its norms.
As Tony Robbins says, “Who you spend time with is who you become.” This is just one example of how fear often comes from the stories we tell ourselves; we bet you can think of more.
Frequently parents project their own fears onto children or get them to repeat their own fear-driven patterns. Other stories we tell ourselves can lead us to fear everything from rejection to success. What then can we do to prevent fear from holding us or our children back?
WAYS TO LEVERAGE FEAR
You need to use fear, otherwise it uses you.
Remember, bravery isn’t being fearless and unafraid; it’s being fearful and doing something anyway. Ways to use fear include figuring out what your fear tells you about your current situation and what it can teach you.
One way people handle their fear is to push themselves to face extremes, whether climbing mountains or walking over coals. Just take the fire walk at Tony Robbins UPW event I attended a few years ago.
Instead of letting fear win, people lean into their fear and find they can achieve anything they put their minds to.
As a 52-year-old firewalker, you have to mentally prepare for the experience, “otherwise you surrender to the fear and that will conquer other parts of your life.” Fire walking made him feel like “Superman”; “It had nothing to do with my feet but was about following through on a promise.”
No matter your age, you’ll never overcome a fear holding you back by walking away from it. Take courage and focus on what the fear will bring your way and you’ll be truly unstoppable.
To stop living in fear, you must understand the underlying psychology so that you can actively work against it. To a point, fear and anxiety have a place in healthy human psychology. Acute fear is a normal emotion that signals a potential threat to your physical or emotional safety. If you’re ever in an accident, feel you’re being followed or experience some other immediate threat, you’ll notice your blood starts pumping faster. Adrenaline shoots through your veins. You have a heightened awareness that allows you to take fast action in order to save yourself or others. Acute fear is a natural response that helped our ancestors survive. There is another type of fear that occurs when the acute fear response becomes hyper-sensitive. It’s called chronic fear or indirect fear, and it occurs when we are continually exposed to low-level yet stressful events. We might watch a lot of news about war, political divisions or the latest disease discoveries, causing us to irrationally anticipate negative events. Unlike acute fear, chronic fear can lower our natural life-saving response and cause us to believe we need to be “saved” by an outside force.
WHY AM I LIVING IN FEAR?
According to research from Harvard, just over 19% of the total population has experienced an anxiety disorder in the previous 12 months. They’re some of the most common psychological issues in the U.S. In the modern world, it’s typically chronic fear that causes our deep-seated anxiety issues, and everything from the media to caffeine has been blamed. But living in a state of blame has never helped anyone solve their problems. It’s time to take ownership of your emotions and transform your life. So, what’s the best way to deal with fear? You must learn to dance with it. In the video below, Tony reveals how to use fear to your advantage — instead of letting it use you.
SIGNS YOU’RE LIVING IN FEAR
Would you believe that many people go through life without realizing they’re living in fear? That’s because fear is often confused with comfort – we become comfortable with our lives, and we think that we are happy and fulfilled. Certainty is one of our Six Human Needs, but when we become too comfortable, it starts to hold us back. Here are a few signs you are living in fear:
Perfectionism. The need to be perfect is a mask we wear to protect ourselves from finding true intimacy and connection. As Tony says, it’s also the lowest standard in the world, because it is impossible to achieve.
Settling. On the other hand, settling for less than you deserve is a powerful indicator you’re letting your need for certainty run your life. If you don’t have an extraordinary, passionate relationship and a job you absolutely love, you’re living in fear.
Procrastination. Always putting your goals off until “tomorrow” or “when I have more time” is a classic delay tactic of those who are living in fear. It’s time to stop making excuses and start achieving your dreams.
Numbing yourself. When you’re living in a beautiful state, you don’t need drugs or alcohol to enjoy your life. You’re open to the world, you’re the master of your emotions and you feel pure joy each and every day.
HOW TO STOP LIVING IN FEAR
With chronic fear, you’re not experiencing anxiety – you’re living in it. The fear response becomes a maladaptive lifestyle, influencing everything you think, feel and do. Fear keeps you stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of defeat and frustration. The upside to fear is that the emotions surrounding it are usually so unpleasant that they drive you to find another way. Don’t let fear control you. There are many strategies for how to stop living in fear, from self-care to exercise to seeking professional help. When you commit to facing your fears, you’re able to discover strategies to overcome them and find peace.
1. DETERMINE THE SOURCE OF YOUR ANXIETY
If you’re living in fear, your anxieties have escalated to the point that they’re running the show. You’re thinking about your worries constantly without much mindfulness as to what’s behind them. To stop living in fear, you must pinpoint what’s causing your distress. Get out a piece of paper and brainstorm a list. When you’re finished, circle the items that are tangible concerns – fears that your house will burn down, your kids will go missing or you’ll lose your job tomorrow. Start giving yourself a sense of control by writing a few actions you can take to prevent these things from happening. Also recognize the intangible concerns – fears of the apocalypse, alien invasion from Mars or worldwide economic collapse. You’ll see that these have very little chance of happening – but you’ll also see that these fears often have deeper roots. If your fears fall into this category, you’ll need to do some self-reflection to discover how to stop living in fear.
2. RECOGNIZE THAT LIFE HAPPENS FOR YOU
“Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you,” as Tony Robbins says. Truly understanding and accepting this concept is the first step to fulfillment. When you put an end to the blame game and start becoming the master of your own destiny, endless possibilities open up to you. And when you see the world as a place of opportunity, not obstacles, you don’t let fear control you. The reason for determining the source of your anxiety isn’t to give you an excuse to keep living in fear. It’s to help you assert power over those fears so that they no longer control you. Once you identify the source, you can change your story – and change your mindset. The first step is recognizing that you have a choice. You can blame outside forces for your emotions and continue to feel out of control. Or you can take charge of your life and learn how to stop living in fear.
3. STOP THE EXCUSES
Like blame, excuses are a defense mechanism we use to avoid facing our problems. It’s easy to push our hopes, desires and dreams aside when we have excuses: There’s just not enough time, I don’t have the money or the resources, I have a family, I’m too busy. And we start to hide behind those excuses instead of taking action to move forward. Excuses are comforting when we’re living in fear. They’re safe. But excuses will also bring you back to exactly where you started. Remember that the next time an excuse floats into your mind. Are you truly where you want to be in life? Or are you falling back on fear and choosing to be comfortable instead of facing a challenge? By becoming more cognizant of your brain’s proclivity for using excuses so you won’t be held accountable, the better you will become at dismissing them.
4. TURN YOUR “SHOULDS” INTO “MUSTS”
In your mind, if you have no choice but to succeed – if achieving your goal is an absolute must – then nothing else matters. Sacrifices won’t even be a question. Excuses go out the window. You’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. Period. Even the most successful people feel like they’re living in fear sometimes. The difference is that rather than allowing fear to creep in and suck the life right out of their dreams, they know that the price they will pay if they don’t give their goals and visions every ounce of energy and focus they have is far scarier. They know the real fear is living a life where they have settled or compromised what they really wanted. How do you adopt that mindset and perspective? Imagine yourself at 80 years old, nearing the end of your life. You are sitting in your rocking chair, reflecting on how you lived your life. Now, look back on your life as if you had not achieved the goal you are after at this moment. How has this affected the course of your life? What are your regrets? What do you wish you had made more time for? What do you wish you had attempted? Is there sadness and regret? Are you wondering, “What if. . .?” In this way, you can use fear to propel you toward your ultimate goal.
5. ADOPT A GROWTH MINDSET
People often give up on what they want because they believe that reaching their goal is beyond their abilities. They continue living in fear and settle into their lives, thinking that their goal is unattainable so they don’t even bother. But the most successful people foster a growth mindset. They don’t think of their abilities as fixed, but rather as flexible. And when faced with a setback, they work harder. They adopt a new strategy. They keep seeking a solution. They don’t give up when things become challenging. Instead, they find new ways to adapt and work harder to achieve their goals.
6. LEARN THAT PAIN BRINGS VALUABLE INSIGHT
There isn’t one successful person in the world who hasn’t had to overcome major obstacles. The most painful experiences can help refine what you want and what you don’t want in life. Failure, disappointment, dead-ends – these can all be used as a means of reflecting and saying, “This didn’t work. It wasn’t the right fit. So what do I really want?” Remember, we are built to adapt. So embrace your inner strength and use each experience as a tool to help you learn more about yourself and what you really must have in life. When you’re facing a painful experience or feel ready to give into fear, picture someone you admire who faced adversity – they wouldn’t have achieved the success they now have without learning how to stop living in fear.
7. PRACTICE SELF-CARE
Mastering your emotions and changing your mindset is psychological – but would you be surprised to learn that the psychological is also physical? Next time you feel like you’re living in fear, change your posture and adopt a “power pose.” It can make you feel more confident and less fearful. Other self-care habits have an effect on your state as well. Physical activity is proven to reduce depression and anxiety, so next time you feel fear coming on, get out and go for a walk, practice yoga or take a bike ride. Mindfulness meditation is also proven to combat anxiety and depression and even lower blood pressure. Eliminating caffeine and alcohol from your diet is another self-care tip that’s essential to lowering anxious feelings. When you combine physical and psychological self-care, you have the recipe for how to stop living in fear.
8. ADOPT AN ABUNDANCE MINDSET
Fear cannot coexist with positive emotions. You cannot feel both scared and joyful, or afraid and peaceful. You can’t feel fear and gratitude at the same time, either – but you can replace one with the other. When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears. You shift your focus from the negative to the positive. Where focus goes, energy flows, so when you change your mindset in this way, you find that you naturally bring more positivity – and less fear – into your life. Adopting an abundance mindset is key to unlocking how to stop living in fear. You can do this by keeping a gratitude journal, practicing priming or meditation, using visualization, coming up with empowering incantations and more. Next time you’re anxious or afraid, you’ll have a powerful toolbox that you can access to overcome those emotions.
9. BE FULLY PRESENT
When we’re living in fear, we’re often also living in either the past or the future. We let our past mistakes haunt us and affect our future decisions. We live in so much fear of what could happen that we forget to enjoy what is happening. As Tony tells us, “The past does not equal the future unless you live there.” In today’s super-connected world, it’s easier than ever to live in the past – reconnecting with toxic people and reminiscing about old relationships. When surfing the Internet, it’s easy to get caught in fantasizing about your next relationship or vacation plans that will never manifest. Stop missing your life. Put your phone down. Step away from the computer. Take up a new sport or game. Meet people in the here and now. Start living instead of worrying.
10. KNOW THAT FAILURE IS INEVITABLE
After all this work, you still need to accept one truth: You will fail. It’s just part of the process. Any successful person will tell you that. Failure provides insights and inherently corrects the faulty ways of approaching a problem. There is no teacher as impactful as the sting of failure and no lesson in resilience better than the burn of rejection. If you use these experiences as unique information, and adjust your strategy and approach the next time around, you will have an advantage that no one else does. With the right mindset you can change your story and say goodbye to living in fear. If you’re ready to learn how to stop living in fear, you have to decide that your dreams are more important than your fear of failure. Make the decision today to master your fears and start existing as the most joyful, successful version of yourself possible.
In the book “The OZ Principle” they have an image that shows this invisible line in the world and where some of us live above that line and the rest live below that line. Above the line is the people that take ownership, action, responsibility and learn and grow. Below the line is the people that live in blame, denial and excuses. Making excuses is a natural human response – we are social animals, and we care what others think about us and we want to fit in. Rather than face uncomfortable conversations and feelings, we make excuses and avoid responsibility. People who make excuses may feel happy in the moment, because they’ve avoided a bit of pain. In the long-term however they will be less fulfilled and can feel anxious or depressed. So why do people make excuses? And how can you stop making excuses and start going after your dreams instead? Making excuses can almost always be traced back to one of three reasons: fear, uncertainty or lack of purpose. To stop making excuses, first determine which one(s) applies to you.
As human beings we all have Six Human Needs that drive our decisions. One of our most powerful needs is certainty: we are driven to avoid pain and seek out things we know will bring us pleasure. That’s why it’s so tempting to stay in your comfort zone or pick up bad habits. When we face a situation we’re not certain about, our brains prefer making excuses over dealing with uncertainty. But you can override these natural impulses and stop making excuses.
LACK OF PURPOSE
People who make excuses also often come across as lazy, uninspired and apathetic. Yet it’s more likely they haven’t yet discovered their purpose. As Tony says, “People are not lazy. They simply have goals that do not inspire them.” Focus on finding your passion and living a life of meaning, and you’ll naturally stop making excuses.
HOW TO STOP MAKING EXCUSES
Making excuses is normal from time to time – we’re all human after all. But if it’s starting to interfere with your life and prevent you from reaching your goals, it’s time to learn how to stop making excuses.
1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY – The first step to stop making excuses is always to realize you alone control your destiny. As Tony puts it, “The past does not equal the future unless you live there.” No matter what has happened to you in the past, your future is up to you.
2. SHIFT YOUR PERSPECTIVE – When you take responsibility, you begin to see problems are opportunities, not obstacles. Life is happening for you, not to you. Everything that has happened in your life brought you to this moment – and you can either transform your life or keep making excuses.
3. UNCOVER YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS – People who make excuses likely have certain limiting beliefs that are holding them back. These are the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. If you believe deep down you’re not deserving of success or you don’t have the inner strength to overcome failure, you’ll continue making excuses to avoid going after what you really want.
4. CHANGE YOUR STORY – Once you’ve identified your limiting beliefs, you can change your story and stop making excuses for good. Do this by identifying negative self-talk and replacing any limiting beliefs with empowering ones. When you change your words – and your story – you change your life.
5. FIND THE LESSON – People who make excuses don’t bother to look closely at their mistakes and determine what went wrong. They blame others and never learn the valuable lessons failure can provide. Successful people always look for the lesson and apply it to future decisions.
6. STOP OVERTHINKING – The path to success is to take massive, determined action. The ability to make tough decisions is a top trait of great leaders and an essential skill for everyday life, but many people who make excuses suffer from “analysis paralysis.” To stop making excuses, you must stop overthinking, let go of the past and take massive action.
7. DEFINE YOUR VISION – Do you jump out of bed each day with excitement and vitality? If you’re wondering how to stop making excuses, the answer is likely “no.” So how can you start? Go back to the drawing board and examine your blueprint for your life. What do you really want? Create a powerful vision you’ll be proud to follow, and you’ll never make an excuse again.
8. SET GOALS – Discovering your purpose is valuable, but setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible. Working toward actionable goals force you to stop making excuses and start creating a compelling future. Start small and set achievable SMART goals. As you build confidence, set bigger and bigger goals.
9. GET SUPPORT – The key to stop making excuses is to hold yourself accountable for your actions – but this isn’t always easy. Get support from a trusted friend or your significant other. Better yet, find a mentor, join a mastermind group or connect with a coach. They’ll have the experience and training needed to keep you accountable and productive.
What about people who never seem to be afraid? Or the small percentage of the population that literally cannot feel fear? Why are there kids completely unafraid of taking risks and then others who seem afraid of everything? Fear’s purpose is to keep us from harm, but what if it holds us back from what we really want?
THE BIOLOGY OF FEAR
First, some facts: There is no single fear switch for humans; responding to threats involves multiple areas of the brain. We’re not 100% how, but scientists have found the amygdala—almond-shaped bundles of neurons buried deep in the brain, just above the brain stem—central to the process. “When you sense something potentially dangerous, the amygdala sends excitatory signals to other parts of the brain, effectively saying, ‘Hey everyone, pay attention!’” says Bambi DeLaRosa, a researcher on threat processing. The areas of the brain associated with language and memory also become active in the face of fear. If the amygdala sounds the alarm, the other areas help evaluate the threat level and how you respond. But people with the extremely rare Urbach-Wiethe disease have calcium deposits in their brains, making it impossible for them to process fear. Studies have found their amygdala completely calcified, so there’s nothing to signal for fear signs like sweating palms or a racing heart to begin. Researchers have identified only 400 people in the world with this condition. What’s particularly striking about Urbach-Wiethe is that fear has long been critical for human survival, so living without fear can be quite dangerous. Studying subjects with this condition has also given us insights to how we deal with emotions and drives. Since people can survive without fear, perhaps it isn’t as necessary as we’ve assumed. Other paths, like logic, can take us to the correct behaviors that help us survive.
So what triggers fear in the first place? One possibility is simply not understanding how something works. But we can’t stop fear just through knowledge alone. A 2009 study compared human reaction to sweat taken from people when they were terrified to sweat from regular exercise. Just smelling the fear sweat caused the fear centers of the brain to kick in. Other animals also share fear reactions via alarm pheromones, but this work is the first to show a similar reaction in humans. These findings suggest that just being around people who are afraid can make you fearful. And while that might not be a big deal when you’re visiting a haunted house or watching a scary movie, it can have huge impacts on your daily life or real estate business. Our reactions to others’ fear might be part of what holds particularly adults back from taking risks or trying new things, whether skydiving or applying for a new job.
CULTURAL FEARS AND MODERN LIFE
Psychological studies also bear out this idea of collective fear having a wider cultural impact. In the 1970s Roger Hart studied the children in a small Vermont town to see what they did when they weren’t under direct adult supervision, learning about their secret places for play and favorite spots where they roamed. He returned in 2004 and found a completely different set of norms. These parents, some of whom were subjects in the 1970s research, are much more concerned with the minute-by-minute facts of their children’s lives. Unsupervised play is almost unheard of and children stay much closer to home. Yet crime rates are exactly the same as they were 40 years ago. “There’s a fear” among the parents, Hart told The Atlantic, “an exaggeration of the dangers, a loss of trust that isn’t totally clearly explainable.”
But if you’re surrounded by others who aren’t afraid to let their kids roam around, chances are you won’t be either. There is power in who we surround ourselves with as well as how our culture shifts its norms. As Tony Robbins says, “Who you spend time with is who you become.” This is just one example of how fear often comes from the stories we tell ourselves; we bet you can think of more. Frequently parents project their own fears onto children or get them to repeat their own fear-driven patterns. Other stories we tell ourselves can lead us to fear everything from rejection to success. What then can we do to prevent fear from holding us or our children back?
WAYS TO LEVERAGE FEAR
You need to use fear, otherwise it uses you. Remember, bravery isn’t being fearless and unafraid; it’s being fearful and doing something anyway. Ways to use fear include figuring out what your fear tells you about your current situation and what it can teach you. One way people handle their fear is to push themselves to face extremes, whether climbing mountains or walking over coals. Just take the fire walk at Tony Robbins UPW event I attended a few years ago. Instead of letting fear win, people lean into their fear and find they can achieve anything they put their minds to. As a 45 year-old firewalker, you have to mentally prepare for the experience, “otherwise you surrender to the fear and that will conquer other parts of your life.” Fire walking made him feel like “Superman”; “It had nothing to do with my feet but was about following through on a promise.” No matter your age, you’ll never overcome a fear holding you back by walking away from it. Take courage and focus on what the fear will bring your way and you’ll be truly unstoppable.
How does our brain create fear? What makes us afraid?
